Difficult Meeting

Do you have to have a meeting with someone regarding a topic that you’re uncomfortable about? Are you unsure what you’re going to say? Are you concerned about how they may react? Are you simply nervous because you don’t like confrontation? You’re not alone. Most leaders have had these concerns because it’s natural to have them. The question is is there anything we can do about it?

Thankfully the answer is yes. For starters, we can stop putting pressure on ourselves that everything has to be perfect. That’s just not possible. So the faster you acknowledge this, the easier it will become. Next, address it as promptly as possible. The longer you let the meeting linger, the more time you have to think about it and scare yourself. Some leaders scare themselves to the point that they cancel the meeting and never address the issue.

So once you commit to having the meeting no matter what, the next step is to shift your objective for the meeting. Majority of leaders feel the pressure because they have settled on the exact objective of the meeting or better yet, the required outcome. So what ends up happening is that no matter what the discussion is, their only focus is to get to the predetermined outcome. This causes leaders to miss critical points of the meeting because anytime a topic is introduced they become nervous because the meeting is not going where they want it to. Don’t get me wrong, every meeting should have an objective, but getting to that objective should NOT be the focus of the meeting.

The focus of the meeting should be to meet, have a discussion, and connect about whatever the topic may be—simple as that. We need to be free to allow the other side to share their thoughts and ideas and allow the discussion to take shape. This does not mean talk about sports when you need to discuss performance, but it does mean that we need to be comfortable hearing their perspective, whatever it may be regarding the topic at hand. This makes some people uncomfortable because they’re not sure if they will be able to respond to what is brought up. So what, what if you can’t? I’m confident that you will not find in any job description a statement that reads: “must be able to respond quickly and accurately to every question or comment made.”

We must be comfortable to say “that is a great point. I didn’t consider that previously. I’m glad you mentioned it; it gives me a new perspective on the situation. Do you mind elaborating further?” Having this ability is what makes managers leaders versus having an answer for every comment made.

Lastly, a lot of leaders struggle with how they will start the meeting (because of the pressure they have placed on themselves). What has worked well for me is to be open and honest about my feelings, worries, emotions, shortfalls, etc. As a leader we do not have to be all mighty in our feelings and concerns. I’ll start with something like this: “Thank you for meeting with me. I have to be honest; this is a very difficult meeting for me to have. There is a topic that we need to discuss that is not easy to talk about. It has to do with [insert topic] and I would like to start by trying to understand your position or thoughts regarding this topic.”

I have found that by opening up and showing my vulnerability it diffuses the tension of the meeting. Then by allowing them to share their perspective first it removes the pressure off of me to say “all the right things” at the beginning of the meeting. And once the discussion begins, the objective is to have a discussion and connect. You’ll be amazed at the outcomes if you focus your objective on having a discussion and connecting versus any other predetermined outcome you may be shooting for!